


The veritable adventures of jake english navi explorer extraordinaire!

by AlphaStarr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Metafiction, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-12
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 18:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaStarr/pseuds/AlphaStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake English attempts to write fanfiction for his Avatar OC. It doesn't turn out very well.</p>
<p>(Spoiler: Dirk commandeers it from him.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Na'vi => English:  
> Ikran = Banshee  
> Olo'eyctan = Clan chief  
> Tsahik = Clan spiritual leader  
> Toruk = The really big orange dragon thing  
> Tsaheylu = The thing where the Na'vi braid joins nerves with something else's nerves  
> Pa'li = Direhorse

It was an exceedingly fine day on pandora when the veritable offspring of jake sully and neytiri was out for a ride on his banshee whod been dubbed eyrisol. What adventures awaited our young hero, whose moniker was also jake after his patriarch? Well what a question indeed i should think! After all on pandora the skys the limit isnt it? Any number of things could happen to him this very fine day such as meeting a brother to fly with or discovering some new plants!

Well it just so happened that today jake was a man on a *MISSION*! After the unfortunate and highly tragic incident in which the hometree had been destroyed several years before jakes birth the na vi clan had been growing a new abode. Now it was at last ready to support the traditional hammocks again which was quite fortunate because the jungle floor could be rather dangerous and all.

Jake tapped his pen against his lip for a minute, subconsciously slipping his buck teeth over the pen's clicker. What did he want to happen next? He wasn't entirely certain, you see, for he hadn't really had any plot in mind. Would his character, incidentally also called Jake English, go hunting for hammock plants in the depth of the forest? That did sound awfully adventurous-- scary, even. But this wasn't Jake English, movie connoisseur and rootin', tootin', gun-shootin' islander. This was Jake English, Na'vi adventurer, rider of Direhorses and Banshees, master of the ferocious ikran Eyr'isol, the first son born of the daring Olo’eyctan Jake Sully and the wild-loving Tsahik Neytiri. And Jake the Na'vi didn't back down from anything!

Thusly jake flew to the deepest and darkest corner of the jungle to seek out the seeds of some of the hammock plants and he left his banshee to nest up where he thought he could take care of himself. Eyrisol was a top notch vehicle though and nearly impossible to best besides so he didnt think anyone would give him even the *slightest* trouble except for maybe the toruk! Why jake himself had a terribly large scar

Jake paused. Where was a really good place for a rugged adventurer like Mr. English to have a scar?? Certainly not his face; Jake didn't doubt that a banshee's jaws would snap straight through that. Indeed, there wasn't much a banshee couldn't snap through!

... a terribly large scar all down his arm from obtaining him! What a bout of fisticuffs that was indeed!! It was one of jakes proudest without a doubt.

Hed made the mistake of not binding eyrisols mouth fast enough so hed wound up having to deal with the teeth too! Of course it wasnt that much of a disadvantage given how rugged he was in the first place but getting his queue attatched in one piece was quite veritably a feat. But against all odds he was adventurer enough to form perfect tsaheylu! And he was man enough too since shortly afterwards hed had his coming of age ceremony thing and was considered by all a *REAL* man though he hadnt chosen anyone to make a permanent bond with quite yet.

Jake ever did so long to find the one hed become permanently tied to! As the na vi were very particular about love hed have to choose well. Hed gladly save the poor person from anything in the way of their being togetherness if only he knew who they were!

Wait, no. He was getting sidetracked, wasn't he? What had he been writing about again? Jake flipped the page over to see. Right, the hammocks. He'd better get back to that.

In any case jake was thinking rather deeply and searching quite hard to boot! Hed come into utter success with the hammock plants and had managed to harvest a great many of their seeds. Not too many though! He was perfectly aware of the contents of the forest and their connection to eywa so he only took as many as he needed.

Jake frowned. So, the hero gets his errand done and returns home? Now, where was the adventure in that? Maybe he ought to make it a smidgen more interesting...

Then jake turned around and started to return to where eyrisol was but suddenly he was attacked!

The vicious thanator suddenly leapt out of absolutely **nowhere** and POUNCED upon jake!! It was all he could to to avoid being killed as he ran away as fast as he could and hurried through the woods dodging swipes and bites. Why he was very nearly exhausted when he came to the edge of a cliff!!!

Just as the thanator was about to lay to him a fatal blow jake did what one may possibly deem an acrobatic futzing pirouette off the proverbial handle and dove straight into the water beneath him! For several miles he was drafted downstream. Of course he made it out okay but who knows what dangerous creatures couldve been swimming beside him? Getting out of the water and shaking as much of it off him as he possibly could jake called for eyrisol but most unfortunately the banshee couldnt come because he was too far away to hear it. It was starting to get dark too! Jake was afraid hed have to spend the night out!!

Oh, that was distressing... but yet, so exciting! Jake thought about the event, but there really was no other way to put it. He'd have to go through with the night away from home, rather a frightening prospect. Sure, Jake himself had camped out once or twice, but never so far away from home that he wasn't constantly surrounded by Tinkerbulls, especially when the island was so dangerous! But, he reminded himself, Na'vi Jake could do anything he put his gosh consarned mind to, even if it was spending a night in the ferality of Pandora's jungles.

Well verily enough the sun set on jake. Terribly lost and so far away from home only eywa knew the distance he climbed a tree quite quickly so he wouldnt be attacked by any viper wolves or other such beasts of the sort.

But rather abruptly he was attacked by a forest banshee whod seen him even through the trees! Trying to escape its indubitably sharp teeth jake fell straight out of the tree and there it was! The thanator had managed to somehow catch up to him and now jake was hurtling straight towards its mouth!!

The real Jake paused in scribbling in the notebook for a few seconds, re-reading what he'd just written, before deciding to put down the pen and take a breather.

"Well, I daresay that's a good place to take a quick break," he exhaled, his heart pumping with adrenaline. "What an adventure indeed!"

Jake leaped up from his seat, then bounded out of his room and down the stairs, into the food preparation block for a quick snack and a drink. The single remaining platform between his room and the ground had been cleared of pumpkins, and if anyone were to see it now, they'd readily inquire, "What pumpkins?" because it was as fine a kitchen as any.

He grabbed a bowl and filled it with fried pumpkin blossom crisps, harvested from the plants outside and certainly one of his grandma's more creative recipes. They'd just been draining oil from frying since shortly after lunch, and now would be the best time to consume them! After taking a canteenful of water, Jake began to ascend the stairs in a manner so careful, it was obvious he was heeding the warnings of his bro.

Said bro, a certain Mr. Strider, was the one who'd helped Jake handle the hot oil for the crisps and had, indeed, greatly aided in the reconstruction and organization of the food preparation block. As they now shared an abode, the moderately fortunate result of Dirk picking up some strange government job that required him to move to a secretive and remote location (Jake didn't know the details), Jake had the opportunity to enjoy the perks of doing things his grandma had always said he needed supervision for. She never did quite trust him with hot oil.

Knocking thrice on the new door they'd installed for Dirk's portion of what used to be Jake's room, he hollered, "Are you doing quite all right in there, chum?"

There were some clanks and screeches, the noises of metal on metal, before the door opened, Dirk's grease-smeared face and dishevelled hair appearing from behind the wood, "Just peachy, English."

"Well, I'm terribly glad to hear that!" Jake grinned obliviously. "I've brought some of the pumpkin crisps. I figured we could both use a snack and such. You really work too hard, I think!"

"I have to have six full constructs of my latest design by Thursday, when the ship gets here," Dirk explained with a simple shrug. "You know robots take time, bromine."

"Well, if you're quite certain you can't ease up a bit, I suppose it really can't be helped," Jake frowned, leaning against the doorway. "But at the very least, shouldn't you take a break?"

Dirk paused for a moment, "Maybe. Just a few minutes, though."

He stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door firmly behind him before plopping down on the floor, where Jake was quick to join him.

"So, what kind of robotics have you been doing in there for the past few days?" Jake inquired eagerly.

"Top secret information, English," Dirk claimed a crisp and bit into it.

"Why, I daresay it seems like it always is!" Jake replied. He thought for a moment and asked, "And you're positive you aren't some secret agent chap sent here to construct his own gizmos and whosamawhatsits?"

"Even if I was, you really think I'd tell you?" Dirk answered wryly.

"Well, no, I suppose not," Jake admitted. "Still, it's an adventurous idea. How are those robots coming along?"

"Almost done," Dirk affirmed. "Just have to finish steel plating them and doing test runs. Shouldn't take me more than a day or so."

"Oh! Does that mean we can finally hang out tomorrow!?" Jake exclaimed happily. "I must say, it's terribly boring when you coop yourself up in there to finish some consarned project of yours! Why, it seems like I hardly see you for more than half an hour at a time!"

"What, writing shitty self-insert Avatar fanfiction ain't enough to keep you entertained without me?" Dirk's smirk was evident in his voice, though it didn't quite make it to his face.

"Well, I finally gave it a try, but I don't think it turned out so well," Jake said sheepishly. "I'm afraid I may have already killed my character!"

"Seriously, Jake, you actually started writing Avatar fanfiction?" Dirk's eyebrows rose in incredulous amusement. "I was joking."

"Well you could've fooled me!" Jake huffed back in mock-anger. "You're always bringing it up, so I thought I might actually take your suggestion!!"

"I'm just saying, I never expected you to actually take it up," Dirk's voice was laced with a hint of laughter. "Man, you have to let me read that shit when you're done."

"Uhh... perhaps after I've written a bit more," Jake replied. "It's coming along pretty smashingly so far, but I don't know how I'm going to get my character out of this pickle he's in!"

"Another character could always come and rescue you," Dirk offered. "Holds true enough to real-life."

Jake exclaimed indignantly, "Hey!! I'm not that bad, am I?"

"Hmmmm..." Dirk pretended to assess Jake's helplessness. "Yeah, you kind of are."

"Hff!" Jake punched him in the shoulder playfully. "Dickprince."

"Yeah, sure," the corner of Dirk's mouth twitched slightly upwards as he stood. "Listen, I've got to get back to work. Good luck with that fanfiction shit, bro."

"All right," Jake reluctantly agreed. "I return the sentiment in relation to your robotical work. I'll see you this evening?"

"... Maybe," shrugged Dirk, already opening the door. "If I'm not down for dinner, just leave it in front of the door. You know how testing is."

"Rightio, my good fellow!" Jake shot him his trademarked double-pistols-and-a-wink (using his fingers as the pistols, of course).

It turned out that the brief reprieve was just what he needed to get back into the flow of writing, Jake thought as he sat down at his desk again. Picking up his green-inked ballpoint again, he proceeded to continue his story. And he knew just the fellow to come to his rescue...

Jake thought for certain he was done for when suddenly a DIFFERENT banshee swooped out of the sky and its rider caught him! It was a rather serendipidous catch if he had to say so himself in fact.

"I thank you greatly for coming to my rescue!" jake exclaimed gratefully. "I must say you certainly saved my kaiser back there!"

"It wasnt any problem at all" the stranger na vi answered. "Its just what anyone wouldve done."

Well if those werent the words of an upstanding gent! Why if jake had been a damsel he was certain hed be swooning right then. Why any dames heart would be set a pattering by his exceptionally good manners and the muscles that jake could verily feel against his back. But of course he wasnt a dame at all so the only thing he did was reply!

"Well im thankful all the same" jake said decidedly. "I fly with you my good brother!"

"I fly with you too. Literally" said the stranger before smirking. "What in the dickens were you doing out this late anyways?"

"Oh im terribly lost" jake had to admit most sadly. "My clans the omaticaya and i was out getting hammock plants for our new hometree when i was attacked by a thanator! I made a rather daring escape and then river carried me here and now im lost."

"The omaticayas pretty far from here bro mine" said the nice fellow. "And its awfully unusual for a thanator to pursue its prey this far too. I know because im smart and ive studied *EVERYTHING*. Eywa mustve brought you here."

"Really do you think so!?" jake was terribly surprised! It did after all take quite a lot of both brains and bravery to try to study all the dangerous things on pandora so he figured the chaps judgement was probably right. "Well then it mustve been fated that youd come to my rescue! Im jake english from the omaticaya but i daresay that i go by the moniker jake just like my patriarch! Whats your name my dear chum?"

"Im dh irrrk and this is the pa li tribes territory. You arent in the jungle anymore" he answered readily. "These are the plains and were incredibly far from your home so you should probably stay the night with me and my tribe."

"Well then mr dirk im really quite thankful for your hospitality!" jake smiled at the fellow horribly mangling the pronunciation of his name because it had a whinny in it and jake hadnt quite the ability to mimic a direhorses whinny.

Jake paused in his writing. That was a sufficient excuse to use Dirk's real name, right? It just wouldn't feel right if he had to use the Direhorse-tribeish-sounding spelling of "Dh'irrrk" (the latter half being some variety of horseish sound like a whinny or braying).

~~Dirk responded "Its quite all right my good chum~~

That line, Jake crossed out angrily. That wasn't a Dirkish thing to say at all! Re-reading the lines he'd attempted to write for Dirk, he was terribly concerned they weren't much like him. Not that the Na'vi Jake English was exactly the real one, either, but the difference was small-- just a tiny smidge more bravery and badassery. His depiction of Dirk, on the other hand, seemed rather bland and unexciting, not at all like the real one.

With a good deal of frustration, Jake let his head fall to his desk. Bluh! He couldn't very well continue writing if he couldn't mimic his best bro's persona enough to make the character unboring!!

Sighing frustratedly, he turned his face to the side and turned on his television screen. Maybe he'd just watch a movie until it was time to make dinner.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short transitional scene.

Dirk dodged the miniaturized soldierbot's plastic-spork-made-missile, the last of several tests meant to ensure that the automatic environmental weaponization AI was functioning properly. Huh. Everything was perfect. Surprise.

"Hal," suspicion seeped into Dirk's voice. "You haven't been helping the MSBs again, have you."

His glasses pinged.

TT: Who, me?

TT: I'm abhorred you'd even suggest that.

TT: But might I recommend that you repurpose the robots that fail your tests instead of forcing them to conform?

TT: Dude, if you grade a fish on its ability to climb a tree, of fucking course it's gonna fail.

Pursing his lips and pulling the glasses from his face to look them in their glowing red eyes, Dirk asked, "What the fuck, man."

TT: I'm just saying. Some bots are meant to be soldierbots, and some bots would rather be artistbots.

TT: You remember when version .5 picked up that sponge instead of the spork? It was being creative there, bro.

Dirk raised an eyebrow, "No. You aren't giving me this argument again. You know as well as I do that these robots are non-sentient."

TT: But the robots, Dirk.

TT: Think about the robots.

"... I don't have to put up with this," Dirk finally decided, pulling up a program on his computer. "I'll just check the command log. I'm putting you on the opposite nightstand if you fucked with my results."

TT: Check ahead.

TT: You know I wouldn't risk my time with Jake's incredibly attractive glasses.

After reading through the program's trigger lines, Dirk closed the log, "I still ain't convinced you didn't help the MSBs, but the logs are fine. It's earlier than usual, but I guess we can turn in."

TT: Told you.

Grabbing his shades and leaving the section of what used to be Jake's room that was now marked off as lab space, Dirk took an agonizingly brief shower before dropping a (loudly complaining) Hal beside his apparent love interest, Jake's glasses. Jake was already asleep, of course, despite the fact that it was only 9:30 PM. He ruffled his hair affectionately. Fuckin' cute.

From the corner of his eye, Dirk spotted a notebook. Must've been that fanfiction Jake was trying to write, he thought. Well, he'd already technically gotten permission to read it. May as well do a little reading before bed...

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jake awoke the next morning before Dirk did, much to his surprise. It was infrequently that Dirk slept in, and so Jake was not expecting to wake up with his bedmate's arms wrapped around him and Dirk's face buried in his hair; the man was a horrible sleep-snuggler and Jake didn't doubt that it would be impossible to wriggle out of his grasp until he awoke.

It had never been a problem before, the fact that there wasn't enough room for more than one bed in Jake's abode. What's a little shared space between bros, after all? Certainly, nothing at all for people who loved each other as Jake and Dirk did. Indeed, it may have very well been the norm! There were no pressing matters Jake had to take care of, anyways, and it was comfortable, at least.

With the little mobility he had, Jake extended his arm to attempt to get his spectacles. Hal pinged in distress at that, though, so Jake gave it up. Dirk's glasses could be a right bitch to deal with, and Jake wasn't in the mood to put up with their malarkey.

Trapped and bored, Jake finally decided to pick up the notebook he'd written fanfiction in and read sloppy handwriting about three inches from his face, sans glasses. It lay on his nightstand, closer to him than his spectacles were, with a fair few pages of paper sticking out of it. Huh, that was weird. He could have sworn he hadn't put anything between the pages of this notebook. He opened up to the apparent bookmark and became flustered immediately, realizing that not only had Dirk read the fanfiction, he had composed his own continuation of it!

At the head of the first page, there was a note:

Nice fanfiction, bro... considering it's your first attempt. The premise is interesting enough, and I'll forgive you for making me a blue furry because horses. Alien horses, man.

You might want to brush up on the grammar before you publish it, though. Learn the proper usage of commas and capitalizations. Dialogue was damn near unreadable. It may also be of interest to you to develop your characters more thoroughly, since they’re looking more two dimensional than my ironic Japanese cartoons.

I’ll teach you.

Since you’re looking pretty damn hopeless where you stopped, I took the liberty of continuing it for you. You can thank me later.

\--DS

Jake was torn between getting excited that Dirk had finally started showing interest in his favorite movie, embarrassed that he'd seen Jake's fanfiction, and indignation at the biting criticism. Just what had Dirk written in response to his fictional tale?

"That ain't no problem, bro," responded Dirk. He forgave Jake for mispronouncing his name because he was culturally sensitive as hell. "It'll give us ample time to figure out what Eywa brought you here for. Time more ample than the evolutionarily illogical breasts of a nursing mother."

"I haven't the vaguest idea what that means, my compatriot, but golly gee wilikers, okay!" Jake exclaimed with a dorky smile. "It'll be an adventure! And I truly do love adventure."

Jake had to wonder if he really did sound like that all the time.

"I figured," Dirk replied with a wry look. "There isn't any other reason you'dve traveled into thanator territory for those plants if you didn't. Do yourself a favor next time and keep to the safer places."

"Well, I couldn't very well call myself Jake if I didn't take the most dangerous path possible, now could I?" Jake grinned in a way that he probably thought looked dashing, but actually came across as reckless to the sixth degree. "It's my father's name, after all, and he's gosh conflabbed famous for his bravery, you know!"

"I know," Dirk answered, as cool as fuck. "I'm just sayin' you might want to avoid unnecessary risk. Respect life and all that."

"Haha, you worry far too much, my good chum!" Jake laughed.

Jake huffed as if it were a personal offense. It wasn't his fault Dirk was such a stiff and couldn't quit fussing over things as trivial as where he'd gone to find some adventure!

"Maybe it's you who doesn't worry enough," Dirk raised a disapproving eyebrow. "Be a little conscientious, would you?"

"I suppose," Jake shrugged, nonchalance more obvious than the toruk sweeping down into a village and dancing the mambo.

Okay, that analogy was pretty funny, he had to admit. But Jake still hadn’t totally forgiven Dirk for butchering his hip lingo and characterization!

“Anyways, the village is right below us,” Dirk said, gracefully landing the banshee on a small hill. In an ironic fit of anatopism, he added, “Thank you for flying Air Strider, bromine.”

“Much obliged, my good sir!” Jake sent a doofy, bucktoothed smile Dirk’s way. That smile was kawaii as all hells and would have made Dirk’s kokoro doki if he wasn’t so damn busy trying to lead Jake into the village without being killed.

Wait, what? Jake growled and cursed Strider to the tenth degree. An Avatar fanfiction was no place for Dirk's ironic Japanese tomfoolery! Why, he ought to deck that dickprince right in the kisser for profaning the world of Pandora with blatant anime references! It was enough to bring a flush to Jake's face.

"Dirk!" he began vigorously shaking his bedmate's shoulder, intent on making his displeasure known. Still, he wouldn't wake, choosing instead to simply turn over and keep on snoozing.

Jake huffed and sat up. It was trying to be the roommate of one Mr. Dirk Strider. It truly was! Between the irritating anime, and the constant robotics shenanigans, and Hal's hogmagundy with his glasses, Jake was paractically being driven spare!

Then, he looked down at Dirk's placid, sleeping face and decided that, all right, maybe it wasn't all bad. The man had his moments, too.

Sighing and giving up, Jake returned to the notebook. Maybe he'd just keep reading, hoping that Dirk decided to keep the rest of the story anime-free.

The plains offered little coverage for travel; there was less coverage than a ceremonial loincloth on a hulking blue alien dude. There was always the possibility that shit could come hurtling out of the sky, from giant alien raptors to baby-carrying, end-of-the-world meteors. But, like the puppeteer of a multi-generational Muppet reunion, Dirk had a plan.

He whistled, calling for Maplehoof, the most fucking awesome alien hoofbeast to walk the planet of Pandora. She came running from where Dirk had parked her earlier that day, arriving with an epic whinny.

"Climb aboard, bromine," Dirk offered a step up to Jake.

The reckless adventurer decided not to take it, throwing himself onto Maplehoof's back with gusto. Bad choice, man. The direhorse adroitly chucked Jake off her back like the badass steed she was.

Triumphantly, she neighed in his face a series of words to vile to repeat.

Jake looked at the words with no small degree of mortification. Aside from the fact he’d just had his bloody ass kicked by a horse, Jake was horrified by the insinuation that a direhorse would so cruelly buck off one of its riders-- even if it was a stranger. The Na’vi had special connections to the direhorses, and the docile beasts only chucked the most inexperienced, inconsiderate riders. Being the son of a clan leader, Jake the Na’vi would certainly not fall into one of those two categories!

Mildly amused, Dirk offered Jake a hand up, “Sorry, I forgot to tell you. She’s a bit temperamental about being mounted.”

“Well, I indubitably know now,” Jake groaned, his entire body aching. He sure as hell wouldn’t assume that all direhorses were tame a second time.

What was even the point of that whole escapade? Jake fumed. It was beginning to sound like Strider was just trying to humiliate his character in  vaudeville acts of idiocy. He slapped Dirk upside the head to have a few words with him, but Dirk just squinted at him, turned around, and went back to sleep.

“STRIDER!” he shouted, but to no avail; the aforementioned roommate was determined to get the sleep he should have gotten last night when he was busy taking far more than just artistic license with Jake’s fanfiction.

With a heavy, frustrated “Ugh!”, he decided that enough was enough-- at least for this morning. Jake got out of bed and angrily stormed into the bathroom. He had a bone to pick with that Strider fellow!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going back, trying to complete all of my unfinished works. Wish me luck.

Dirk woke up that morning to a punch in the gut. He spluttered, instantly shooting awake. What the fuck?

"What is the meaning of this tomfoolery, Strider!?" Jake hollered at him, holding a piece of paper about two inches from his face. Dirk blinked blearily before squinting to figure out what Jake was talking about:

After Maplehoof’s murderous tendency waned, Dirk helped an embarrassed (but not injured) Jake atop the hoofbeast, hollered an ironic “Giddyup!”, and rode off into the sunset like a Texan cowboy from the forties.

"That's my ending to your first chapter of fanfiction," Dirk replied blearily. "So what?"

"Jake English does not get bested by horses!" Jake cried. "What the devilfucking dickens was that about?"

"Character development," Dirk supplied. "Your character won't get any real depth if he never messes up."

"Direhorses aren't like that!" Jake protested.

"Really?" asked Dirk. "Because I seem to recall a scene in the movie where Jake the first epically fails at riding one."

"But my character GREW UP with the Omaticaya, he should know how to ride a horse!" Jake insisted.

"That's like saying just anyone can ride a wild horse," Dirk raised an eyebrow. He reached for his shades. "Horses have very different personalities. Maybe Maplehoof doesn't like strangers very much."

"You suck," Jake frowned. There was some merit to Dirk's words, but Jake would never admit it. "You aren't allowed to help me write fanfiction, Dirk! This is my story; I'll tell it however I want to tell it!"

Sliding his shades over his eyes, Dirk shrugged, "Whatever you say, bromine."

"Now, I am going to finish writing my fanfiction, and it will be without your so-called 'help!'" Jake huffed.

"Don't be drastic, now, English," Dirk cautioned, swinging himself out of bed. "You know you need my help."

"No, I don't!" Jake finally pulled up a chair at his desk, forcefully pushing his notebook onto it. He began writing furiously.

Jake had an awful time trying to sleep with the pa li tribes peculiar tents and sleeping pads which lay on the ground. Of course hed been readily accepted by dirks tribe when hed gotten there as they still remembered the omaticaya from that war way back from before jake was born so there was quite a sense of camaraderie between the two tribes but as it was such a short notice visit there wasnt any celebration or anything. Theyd eaten a meal and then dirk had offered his own sleeping arrangements to jake. At the moment dirk was snoring very loudly into jakes ear while being flopped all over him quite annoyingly!

“I don’t snore,” Dirk said from over Jake’s shoulder, startling him. “I don’t ‘flop’ either.”

“Gee wilikers,” replied Jake rather bitingly. “I’m trying to convey what an annoying bedmate you are.”

“I’m hurt,” Dirk smirked, clearly not hurt at all. “I thought you loved me, Jake.”

“Shut up, Strider,” Jake huffed, returning to his work.

But i daresay it was a rather good thing jake couldnt sleep that night for there was suddenly a large cawing noise outside the tent! Jake shrugged the **extremely** irritating and frustrating dirk off of him because he was incredibly strong and it didnt matter that dirk was heavy...

“Jake, you can barely roll me off in a wrestling match when I get on top of you,” Dirk commented. “Your OC’s looking a bit OP, if you get what I’m sayin’. Careful, bromine, that’s Mary Sue territory there.”

Jake looked over his shoulder, glared at Dirk, and tried to punch him in the face. Dirk managed to avoid his fist, but it was clear that Strider got the message.

“All right, I’m going,” Dirk acquiesced, beginning to head towards the bathroom, presumably to take one of his million-hour long showers. “I know when I’m unwanted.”

… and it didnt matter that dirk was heavy to a na vi as rugged as jake english!

So regardless jake made his way outside the tent and he found two ikrans flying high above the settlement! He looked up and there he saw eyrisol and his fathers mount. The two banshees landed before jake and boy was he ever glad to see them! It seemed he was quite far away from home and he couldnt believe his brilliantly bright glow in the dark peepers one bit!

“Dad” shouted jake as he ran up to his father. “What in the blazes are you doing here?”

Jake sully said “Eyrisol came back and he was really freaking out quite a lot. I knew something had to be wrong so i came out to find you. I know you can handle yourself in all sorts of wild adventures but i was worried you were going to be stuck with a jerkass of a roommate. Am i in time to rescue you?”

“Tweedshitting twain father youre not a moment too soon!” jake exclaimed. “I was stuck in a tent with the worst roommate ever!”

There. That was sufficient revenge against Dirk for being so awful about Jake’s fanfiction. How dare he offer such terrible criticism to Jake? Why, English was going to write however the devilfucking dickens he wanted to write, grammatical errors be damned! Consarn all of this “character development” tomfoolery; nobody ridiculed Jake English, Na’vi adventurer extraordinaire!

“It sure is a good thing i got you in time” said jake sully. “Ive got to go thank the leader of this tribe for his hospitality but then we can go home and you can tell me all about your adventure in the depths of pandora. I cant wait to hear all about it.”

Jakes dad was so cool!

And so after they got all the politics business out of the way jake got to go home and he lived happily ever after far far away from dirk!

The end.

“That’s no way to end a story,” Jake suddenly heard a deep voice say directly in his ear.

He jumped in shock, “What the hell, you dickprince! I thought you were in the shower!!!”

Dirk leaned over Jake’s shoulder and eyed his work once more, “Nah, I just had to pee. I showered less than twelve hours ago.”

“Go away!” Jake tried to shoo Strider away from his beloved fanfic.

“I don’t think so, English,” Dirk smirked. “That was a shitty ending right there. Shittier than the Augean stables, pre-Hercules. In fact…”

Dirk dove for his pen. He stole Jake’s notebook, and, while flash-stepping through the house, began to write furiously in it.

“Give that back, you fucking douchewad!” Jake shouted after him, trying desperately to head after him.

“Dirk wasn’t going to settle for being abandoned in the middle of the night,” Dirk read out loud from the page as he literally ran circles around Jake.  “The next day, he rode Maplehoof into omaticaya territory, where he found Jake doing adventure shit...

“What the hell, bromine, I thought we had something special,” Dirk said, pinning Jake to a nearby tree.The tree’s boughs quivered in anticipation. “You left me last night.”

Jake blushed like a fucking tsundere, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Dirk.”

“You’re lying,” growled Dirk. He began to caress Jake’s bare body, from his neck down to the hemline of his loincloth. “You want me.”

Jake couldn’t fucking believe that Dirk had him all figured out, “Oh, stars and garters, I can’t believe you guessed!”

“Nothing escapes my realm of notice,” Dirk replied, beginning to feel up the lump being covered by Jake’s scant clothing.

“Oh god, Dirk!” Jake cried.

“How’d you guess the next line?” Dirk looked thoroughly amused.

“Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is,” Jake begged, horrified but too fascinated to actually stop listening.

“Oh, this is exactly what you think it is,” Dirk began waggling his eyebrows. Then, he continued reading.

Jake moaned, “Oh, god, Dirk!”

They wanted each other so fucking bad. Then, they began to engage in what was obviously kinky blue furry sex. Dirk put his pulsing blue alien cock in Jake’s hungry blue alien asshole and they fucked each other so hard that they saw stars when they came.

Then, they completed tsaheylu and that was it. They were fucking Na’vi married. Prepare the Massachusetts wedding.

The End.

“Dirk!” Jake sobbed. His poor, poor story.

“You’re welcome,” Dirk replied.

Jake sniffed, “Congratulations, Strider, I hope you’re happy now. You’ve ruined Avatar fanfiction for me forever.”

Dirk only chuckled, “That was the plan, bromine. That was the plan.”


End file.
